The Cream that Never Was: Enlevez

So, is this a 0:30 second commercial spot, or a fourth grader PowerPoint Presentation? (Answer: You be the Judge!) This commercial doesn’t EVEN look like something I’d take serious. We have a commercial advertising a cream called Enlevez. (Umm, Enlevez?) The product is called “Enlevez” yet it’s pronounced “On La Vay”. That does that even sound like a skin healing cream; it sounds like left-over letters from yesterday’s Scrabble match. (I found a NEW WORD!) Shoot back to 0:06, the screen says, “Contains ‘Matrixyl® 3000’ and ‘Haloxyl®’”. I researched both products and realized that they are legitimate products that do the very SAME THING Enlevez CLAIMS to do. (I smell a Rip-Off, but WHERE IS IT???)

Did anybody notice that the product “Enlevez” itself is missing throughout the whole ad? (Umm, missing???) Fast-forward to 0:18 and you’ll hear the woman say, “Similar products retail for 150.00 dollars, while Enlevez is always the low price of 34.99.” (Umm, where is Enlevez?) Typically when you’re advertising something you show pictures of the product itself. All I see here is 10 to 15 pictures of random people doing different things. Some people are smiling, some are using “a cream”, and others don’t even know what’s going on.

SCAVENGER HUNT: First, “Google” the terms “does the Enlevez cream work” or type in www.enlevez.com; you’ll find that it LITERALLY yields NOTHING about the product and/or redirects you somewhere else. Next “YouTube” the same terms; you’ll find that it pulls up this commercial and video reviews on similar products, but NOT Enlevez . (See something wrong here???) If you think calling 1-855-ENLEVEZ will get you somewhere, YOU’RE WRONG! You’ll just receive the “Disconnected Number” message. (Thanks for playing, but GAME OVER!) To sum it all up, you CAN’T read reviews, you CAN’T view consumers using the product, and you CAN’T talk to the people selling the product. (Three strikes and you’re OUTTA HERE!!!) To me this only adds up to one thing, ENLEVEZ DOESN’T EXIST. With that being said, I’m asking that this commercial be BANNED from television FOR LIFE PLEASE!!!

Hey, checkout my Next Story on Kale's Fashion Sins!

Stick it to the Man!

Hands up if think this commercial was envisioned the night before it was shot. (If your hand isn’t up, YOU should be shot!!!) You own an auto lot named “Apple Auto Sales”, yet you choose to be a “Reverend” of ALL THINGS??? Really, a Reverend? (Yes a Reverend!)That’s like owning a Clothing Store named “Jane’s Boutique” with a “Clown” offering 50% off of all items. (Now that’s a SALE!) Speaking of “Clown”, listen to the Reverend’s catch phrase: “Stick it to the Man.” Mind you: This is not a man with an Afro or a Peace T-Shirt from the 60’s, this is a Reverend. (A REVEREND!!!) Someone who is supposed to be “One with God” is “Sticking it to the Man”. (Umm, Creepy.)

Go back to 0:06 and tell me what you see? (Answer: Horrible Role-Playing!!!) There’s a man, whom I’ve named James, being denying by a man, whom I’ve named “The Man”, for Credit Approval on the car he wants, yet both men are smiling like it’s a big joke. Shouldn’t James be disappointed and “The Man” be “The Man”? (Apparently Not.) Fast-Forward to 0:12, you’ll see what looks to be a beat-up Oldsmobile that James “Qualifies For”. (Umm, that’s on your lot???) That car looks like it hasn’t been started in 20 YEARS, yet “The Man” expects James to buy this??? (GET REAL!!!)

Back to Auto Reverend, let’s take a CLOSER LOOK at his outfit. (Kale’s Next Fashion Sin!) He’s wearing a 1980’s dress suit decorated with gold fish scales and an OVERSIZED ELVIS WIG!!! (The suit is bad enough, BUT WHY THE WIG??!!) To me, the Reverend’s wig looks like a diving board. Watch the video again and you’ll notice that as the Reverend walks around “Sticking It to the Man”, his wig bounces up and down. Oh and let’s not forget the pool floater he’s using to “Stick It to the Man”; is that thing supposed to convince me that you’re someone serious or does it TELL ME you’re just a circus act for kids? (Answer: Ringling Bros is hiring.) Hey Reverend, instead of “Sticking It to the Man” maybe you should “Stick” to a different gimmick, like selling cars. (Bing!)

Hey, checkout my Next Story on Kale's Fashion Sins!

Hydro Lies Skin Care

Show of hands: how many of you think this commercial is realistic? (Didn’t think so.) The commercial above depicts “Hydrolyze” as a skin clear solution that is supposed to “erase” the bags from under your eyes. Now whether or not the product works is not the issue here. The issue is the commercial itself. To all my “Closet Creatures”, watch this commercial carefully and you will notice a couple of things wrong here. (Dom Dom DOMMMM!!!)

Let’s start with the fact that there appears to be no REAL problems with the women using the product in the first place. (Umm, what??!!) Backtrack 0:24, and take a look at the woman who “used Hydrolyze” and tell me what’s wrong with her face? (Answer: NOTHING!) You can’t tell me those “bags” look like real eye-bags; they actually look more like make-up marks for the next “Thriller” music video. (Remember that video? If not, GOOGLE IT!) Finally, take note that there’s one MAJOR thing missing from this: Product Usage. Throughout the whole commercial nobody actually uses Hydrolyze; in fact NOBODY even opens a jar. So really don’t know what you’re rubbing on your face. (Ancient Chinese Secret NOT!!!)

This commercial is funny to say the least; we have perfect-looking women promoting an unknown substance known as, “Hydrolyze” as an eye-bag removal cream. Despite all of these glaring signs of fraud, I know PLENTLY of people bought this product to their dismay. (No Shocker there.) Youtube the term “Hydrolyze”. You might not be too surprised to see users posting videos warning everyone stay FAR away Hydrolyze. One woman that posted a video called, “STAY AWAY FROM HYDROLYZE” made a nearly 10 minute video complaining about the product and the company itself. Not only did she claim that Hydrolyze left a rash under her eyes when she used, but she also claimed that after she canceled her subscription the company charged her card anyways. (Can you say Cash and Burn?) Folks, I’ve never tried Hydrolyze but after all this, I don’t think I will.

Hey, checkout my Next Story on Kale's Fashion Sins!

Cookies For Life

“Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?” I like this tune; it reminds me of something you’d probably hear on the cartoon “Pup Named Scooby-Doo” when the villain would chase Scooby and the gang. (Remember that show? If not, GOOGLE IT!) Hey,(Sarcasm Alert!!!) backtrack to 0:00 or fast-forward to 1:00 and take a look at the “cookie jar” in the commercial. (Huh???) Did you notice how funny it looked? (Uhh, no.) Neither did I, and that might be because THERE WASN’T ONE TO BEGIN WITH!!! Yet three people stole cookies from the “cookie jar”?

Next, listen to the woman at 0:40, “Eat cookies, lose weight, it’s that simple”. Umm I’m no Health Doctor, but my common sense is telling me that DOESN’T sound right at all. You’re telling me that if I EAT COOKIES, I will LOSE WEIGHT. You’re also telling me to replace breakfast and lunch with cookies. (Off Topic.) I remember when I was 12 years old that I only dreamed of eating sweets for breakfast lunch and DINNER!!! I am 22 now and things have changed. (Back to the Topic.) So WHY ON EARTH would I want to eat cookies 24/7 to lose weight? For breakfast we have Cookie Omelets. (Umm okay.) For lunch we have Cookie Dogs and Chocolate Chips. (Seriously, not again.) For dinner we have Fried Chicken with Mashed Potatoes. (YESS!!!)

I want you to replay this commercial one more time. Look for small black letters on the bottom right-hand corner that read “RESULTS MAY VARY” and “PATENT PENDING” Now I don’t know about you, but those messages scare me the most. When it comes to any kind of document, advertisement, or agreement you ALWAYS want to read the “small print” in great detail. “RESULTS MAY VARY” and “PATENT PENDING” are there for a reason. (I wonder why???). That right there tells me that this product “is not guaranteed” and “has not been approved”. This is enough for me to steer clear from “Smart For Life” cookies FOR LIFE!!!

Hey, checkout my Next Story on Kale's Fashion Sins!

The "Credit Mack Daddy"

Now more than ever, if you flip through the TV channels you’ll see commercial after commercial after commercial. But you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen the “Credit Mack Daddy” Commercial.

Question: Does he even look like a Credit “Mack Daddy” (LADIES!), or does he look like Warrick Davis from the movie Leprechaun? (Answer: “Where’s Me Gold?”) If you listen closely to this “Credit Mack Daddy”, you’ll find that he is barely on beat for at least half of the commercial. Shootback at 0:20 and tell me did she say, “Quit it Mack Daddy” or “Credit Mack Daddy”…? (Cut Cut Cut, LINE!!!) Well guess what??? It does matter because he is more like a Credit WACK Daddy anyways. (Not trying to “Hate”, I’m just saying.) You’re trying to sell easy credit for potential car buyers and THIS is the only gimmick you could come up with? (You’ve GOT to be kidding!!!) Or I guess I’m “Out of the Haze” or something cause I don’t understand why. But it’s funny how when you think the commercial couldn’t get any worse, at 0:50 the woman yells “It’s as easy as pie!”, then actually pies her husband in the face! (That part was HILAROUS!!!) Was she holding that pie this whole commercial or did it just magical pop from nowhere???

Putting aside all the humor, it’s a good thing that we know what this “Mack Daddy” is trying to sell to begin with: cars with easy credit right? Some commercials have such an “abstract meaning” that it is hard to tell what they are evening selling. (Off Topic.) Imagine if I shot a commercial depicting a man laughing wondering in the Middle of the Mohave Desert wearing a Clown Outfit.  Then towards the end of the commercial I said, “Welcome to Kale’s Closet”. What would you think of Kale’s Closet? (Answer: WTF!!!)

(Back to the Topic.) We need to send this guy back to BGU (or Better Gimmick University) to teach him that going this route with promoting “easy credit” on cars PROBABLY wasn’t a good idea. It was more like a Bad Idea. (Scratch that, it was a REALLY BAD Idea!) I’ll bet when it was all said and done, and the commercial aired, this “Credit Mack Daddy” had TONS of people stopping by wondering, is this where this ridiculous commercial was shot?

Hey, checkout my Next Story on Kale's Fashion Sins!